Submarine

The bickering was a constant simmer. The flare-up arguments came nearly every night. Then came a drink or two. Followed by chipping away at the to-do list until I began making sloppy mistakes. 

I’d go to bed, usually with paint in my hair, blisters on my hands, and a feeling of despair. I’d wake up the next morning to a breakfast of fizz stick and ibuprofen before repeating the day.

We were simultaneously moving out of our Carmel home into an RV that needed renovation. Our second daughter was just a couple weeks old. We were sick. We were beyond tired. Beyond stressed. It wasn’t a season of life I ever want to revisit.

It was in that season that I wrote the opening lines to Submarine. I could see my shortcomings, but I couldn’t seem to keep from playing into them. The song is the most honest critique of myself in that moment… the imposter syndrome, the workaholism, choosing self-destructive behavior, and the shame of all of them. 

The lyrics were easy to sing over an existing OP-1 jam, which I composed for a video montage of a visit to Shedd aquarium. That “marine life vibe” continues in this version. The “submarine sinking” is a depiction of a turtle.

When we finally got on the road in our RV, the second half of the song came about. Almost entirely instrumental, I didn’t want to add any more words what the first half offered. But I did want to push the drama: Strings, horns, and the best howl I could capture. 

Submarine is a tough song to release. I don’t want to revisit myself at my worst. But maybe you can relate.